do you read this? I don't know...

I had a dream about you last night. I was feeling ill after a night of drinking and "partying." I laid down in my bed, in the dark, and began to spin. My brain started to feel like it was melting and I felt as though I were on the phone with someone and I could barely hear what they were saying... all they were saying was "What?"

so I called you and i knew it was wrong but i didn't know who else to call. it just made sense. when i called you, you already had the phone to your ear because you were also calling me at the same time.

all i said was, "will you stay the night with me?" and you were already there... under the covers, body close to mine, and the warmth made me feel so much better.

and just as i started to fall asleep you were gone. i got up to look for you, and you were in the kitchen. you tried to kiss me and i said no... we can't do this, it's wrong.

we went back to bed, and before i could count to 10, there were at least 5 other girls in bed with us. and you no longer cared about sharing my body warmth... you just wanted to kiss all the other girls. and i felt crowded and sleepy. i felt like the comfort that we shared was empty.



and upon waking up i realize the dream kind of embodies how i feel towards you. you've always seemed so forbidden from me. and i feel like i could never trust you because i could never look past my selfish possession. and then there is such a large part of me that feels like we would be perfect companions. if only things were different. and i'm not saying i wish they were... I'm only commenting on how funny how life works.... we're perfect for each other, but there couldn't be a worse idea than pursuing that notion. might as well just keep it in our dreams. we have the best conversations there anyway.

so many wrongs..

what happens to humans that makes them forget so easily? are the things that happen to us in life so easily disregarded? I have this overall feeling that everything I experience is absolutely essential in making me the person I am currently, and inevitably the person I will become.

People are the catalysts in my life that are most saturated for inspirations of growth. The relationships I've made in my life are extremely important to me.

And even though it seems that every waking moment we are alive here, we are pretty much drifting and swaying with the tides that be in the universe; even though nothing in our lives has remained absolutely constant thus far; even though I look in the mirror every day and every day I feel like a new person, I have learned that the one thing people tend to expect to be the most accountable and the least changeable is.... well, the rest of the human race.



There is this small part of me that is angry because I feel like no one ever really asked what was going through my mind... and I feel like those who did took my words for granted... and those words blew away from their mind like sand on a pier instead of really sinking in and meaning something to them.

these experiences that I have been living through are a lot of things.. a lot of great things, and a lot of moments that remind me how much grace i have yet to ecru in my personal reasoning and what not... these experiences may have even been silly through most others' eyes.. but I would never call them haphazard or lacking in regard.

A said to me a few months ago, after his equilibrium was making him wobble and his eyes were light pink, that he would never understand why i ever gave up on him. And when he said that it made me realize the crucial point of all of this that everyone seemed to miss:

there was at no point in time that I ever gave up on anyone. That is what made it so difficult, and that is why it caused so much pain. I wasn't whimsically skipping through field of men picking which ever suited me most. These things shattered my core and left me a woman with the sole purpose to love, broken and miserably failed.


I could apologize from now until the end of my days and I feel like it would never change... because people forget that we are just pirouetting through the mostly-nothingness of the universal-existence... and people forget that there are more dimensions to most topics besides x, y, and z... and people often forget that they are not the only ones who look in the mirror every day, feeling as though they are looking at a different person each time.

Oh, the things that happen to us in life.

it's me.

i want it to snow and snow us in so that we have two days to think about what is really important in life and so that everyone comes into the sun when it is safe, bleary eyed and humbly accepting the open air that we foolishly denied breathing in days long since passed.




give me a hug!